The Hairball Doublet and Other Knitting Fables

Lara thought her new winter dress was the perfect tribute to her recreational drug of choice. And all her design classmates and instructors could only be thankful that she was into magic mushrooms rather than crack.

Teddie was really glad she'd found a way to put the doilies her grandmother had made for her to good use, and scorned her mother's advice about making more to lengthen the dress a little. How could she possibly degrade the authenticity of her Grandma's work by adding doilies made by someone else now that Grandma would never make another doily? Really, it was most insensitive of her mother.

Opal was on a one-woman mission to show everyone that afghans were made for better things than to be left on the couch all the time.

Archer wasn't sure he agreed with his fiancé that med school was a place where he'd be expected to demonstrate his dedication and ambition through his clothes.

Kelly couldn't quite understand why none of her clothing design teachers liked her bedskirt and sheers outfit. Had they never heard of her design muse, Scarlett O'Hara?

It had taken design school to show Carolyn that her destiny as a designer was to do for the knife pleat what Kaffe Fassett had done for colour in knitwear.

Maud felt that with entrelac you had to go big or go home. She was pretty mad when her design teachers forced her to compromise the principle by only letting her put the sweater she'd made in the fall fashion show when it really needed the matching pants to work.

Despite all his design instructors said, Lucas was convinced that any silhouette could be made to work with the addition of a belt.

Shi-woo's grad project was a loving ode to his much loved and missed cat. He felt pairing the Hairball Doublet with sleek tights created a look that encompassed both the grace and animal nature of his dearly departed Kkulbbangi.

Moira was very disgruntled when no one at school got that what they called a "kicky spring look" was supposed to be political commentary on the dangers of the economic bubble and importance of the gold standard. Maybe she should have gone into political science after all.

Red! What?! And Blue! and Other Knitting Fables

Kalinda thought her homage to split pea soup had turned out rather well.

Whitney's best hope was that someone would steal the purse her Aunt Stella had made for her, but so far no one was taking the bait.

Rolph didn't think his person's scheme for meeting chicks was going to go over so well, but hey, as far as he was concerned, the one upside of being neutered was not having to worry about crap like that.

"Can you move a little further to your left, sweet lumps? That's right... just a little further. Thanks. The photographer needs to be able to take a clear shot of me. It's not every day he comes across a fellow with my ability to accessorize, you know. By the way, is your headscarf 100% silk, like my cravat? Yes, I buy quality. The ladies like it. They like untying it and taking it off me, and then later they really like it when I tie their hands to my bedpost with it... hey... wait... where are you going?"

Golda and Saffron had not only found a purpose in life when they'd individually changed their names and joined the Yellow Lovers Society, but had also found the love of their lives in each other. The flattering reflected light they got from each other's outfits was the icing on the cake.

In time Golda and Saffron had a daughter, Amber, who was granted a legacy membership in the Yellow Lovers Society. The little girl complained that her yellow acrylic bodysuit was too hot, but Golda cleverly solved that problem by adding rubber boots to Amber's outfit to collect all the perspiration. She couldn't have Amber ruining all that wonderful yellow shag carpeting at society meetings and functions.

Felicia was very proud of herself for figuring out a way to avoid having to rip out her student design project to pick up some dropped stitches, and couldn't understand why her instructor had insisted that her design be named "Red! What?! And Blue!" for the student runway show at the end of the year.

Leila had a special sweater that she liked to wear clubbing on nights when it was near the end of the month and she didn't have much money to spend. She thought it was a great way to subtly put across the message that she was open to having men buy her drinks.

Dahlia thought her new stole was the perfect thing to wear to the Hunt Club's spring garden party. It was in spring-like colours, it had a certain drama and insouciance, and everyone would be too busy staring at it to ask any awkward questions about her sixth husband's disappearance.

Sue and Cullen felt sure their new cardigans would put a lock on their winning the "Best Dressed" award at this year's annual Moped Club banquet.

Pleasant Pheasant Fantasies and Other Knitting Fables

Lisette's new winter hoodie allowed her to indulge in some pleasant pheasant fantasy role playing, at least for awhile, until the unfortunate eye-gouging incident.

Sometimes Vera liked to put on everything she'd ever made for herself and just sit and feel herself becoming one with her knitting.

Bill was so proud of the new archery vest he'd made Ted didn't have the heart to tell him wearing a bull's eye to target practice wasn't the smartest idea.

Candra loved yarn so much, she shaved her head and had some roving implanted into her scalp. She'd heard people say she should have used some of that yarn to make a little more dress, but she put that down to spite and malice.

When Daphne's free form crochet project didn't turn into a dress as she'd hoped, she glued it to a dress. When it seemed to lack a little something, she added shoulder pads made from chair upholstery and then bought a pair of matching ankle socks. It was one of her principles to never give up on a project but just keep tweaking until it worked.

Raquel thought anything Levi Strauss & Co., could do, she could crochet better.

Raquel's twin, Raphael, didn't consider Levis very inspiring and instead liked to get naked and just start crocheting and see what happened.

Meara was determined that at least one of her ball gowns was going to keep her comfortably warm.

Violet's plan to knit herself an extra warm skirt and jacket for winter hit a snag when she underestimated her own measurements.

Carmel had never progressed beyond the knitting skill level required for the making of skinny scarves, but she didn't see why that should keep her from making herself a stunning outfit.

Charlotte's Funeral Dress and Other Knitting Fables

Jock wore his Divine sweater on the days that he needed to remind himself of his life's motto, "Don't be a drag; just be a queen."

Candra put on her new knitting ensemble and gazed at herself in the mirror, wondering if her outfit needed a cowl and earmuffs to be really complete or if it was perfect just as it was.

Petra hadn't quite been able to put together enough designs for the show, so she'd had to include some cobbled together pieces, such as this project from her ninth grade home ec class. Fortunately, she thought, the right pair of strappy heels can make anything work.

Tansy's traumatic childhood experience of reading "Charlotte's Web" often manifested itself in unexpected ways, such as when Tansy had found herself designing what she called "Charlotte's Funeral Dress".

Lena was very proud of her new collection, Witch Couture, and was sending out promotional packages to every coven her marketing team could find. She thought it was really time practitioners of the dark arts moved beyond tatty black shapeless robes.

When it was her turn to host the Stitch n' Bitch meeting, Tina thought she'd liven things up a little with a simple of game of ring toss using rings she'd knitted herself, only to find that the Stitch n' Bitchers got totally carried away. Next time she wanted to put ring toss on the agenda, Tina thought, she'd make sure they played it *before* they drank all those gin and tonics.

Carrie found the classic tam very boring and decided she wanted something different, something that would make a statement and also serve as a good way to take her cat to the vet without having to worry about those dumb "no pets on public hours during rush hour" rules.

As Angie walked down the runway in her latest creation, a piece that she felt made an incisive social comment on the path of a woman's life by melding a young woman's bikini to a granny's afghan, and heard the dead silence of the audience, she had a stricken feeling that perhaps her mother was right, that women really did want wearable clothes from designers rather than wearable art.

Sometimes Geraldine liked to take her stash to the middle of the woods, get naked, and just commune with her yarn.

After model Sadie threatened to walk off of the job on the morning of the show if forced to wear the crocheted afghan sampler dress, Colette the designer came up with a compromise: she'd design and whip up a mask that made a statement about the death of true design that Sadie could wear to disguise her identity. Sadie agreed reluctantly, but though she honoured the agreement she kept muttering something about "quitting this shit to go back to school to become a CPA."

Coming up: Look for my review of Vogue Knitting's Fall 2013 issue tomorrow morning.

Knitting Goggles and Other Knitting Fables

Irina double majored in design and theatre, and liked to make her design project do double duty as costumes for her theatre classes. She'd worn her latest project for an avant garde piece on the standards of beauty for women, in which she'd played a cotton ball.

Darcy had heard so much about "beer goggles" that she came up with her own version: knitting goggles. They came in handy when she didn't happen to feel like darning in ends.

Maureen was so pleased that she had managed to get through design school without ever having had to learn to knit. After all, she thought, she was a designer, not a crafter, and a true designer can do wonders with thrift store afghans.

Hermione was so thrilled that after a two-year moratorium on buying yarn, she had finally used the very last dregs of her stash. She celebrated with a ceremony, attended by her cats, in which she crowned herself Stash Princess.

Keara had had to make an unusually large number of swatches to nail down the tension for her design project, but in the end she found it had been totally worth it.

Jolene had made her final project for design school out of several bathmats and fuzzy toilet seat covers. In the written abstract she'd had to submit with it, she'd said it gave one that "just got out of the shower and had taken a good pee feeling", and pointed out that it was also very absorbent. Her instructor had scribbled, "These are not selling points," and given her a D, but Jolene knew her vision just wasn't one that could be appreciated by the masses. Yet.

Lucinda had made it her life's work as a designer to a campaign to make the granny square look chic, and she was determined to stay on message no matter how many runway models wound up looking utterly miserable in the process.

As a dedicated terrarium hobbyist, Gretchen was thrilled to find a way to take her work with her wherever she went. Though she still had to figure out a way to attach the glass covers to her sleeves.

Lynn had designed her new cloak to look like a representation of an insect under a microscope, and wore it with a costume that she hoped looked like one that was native to a country where they still had malaria, although she hadn't had time to look up which specific countries those were and what their national costumes looked like. However, as Lynn reminded herself, when you're trying to save countless innocent insects from slaughter, it's important to not get bogged down in trivial details.

Thea found she could use up her stash so more quickly if she knitted with the entire skein rather than just a strand from it.